if you like me you must not know who I am
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
