I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
