You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize