do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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