how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
