ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
