the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
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