I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
