Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
