what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
