I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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