RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
