the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
