If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
