What did we do last night that was yellow?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
