I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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