I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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