So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
