Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
