wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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