There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
