I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
