Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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