I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
