Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
