I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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