i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Vodka?
Forever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
