CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
