Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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