No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
