yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
