According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize