His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
