If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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