Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
