I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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