Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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