id be glad to
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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