Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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