At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
