my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We talked him into tasing himself.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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