Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
