I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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