I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
