OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
