No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
