i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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