I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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