I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
