btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
