if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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