Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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