i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I looked at my own cervix.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
