It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
